Take it or leave it

Good things do not happen to people like her. Other things happen to people like her. People like her only get what they deserve.


People like her get punished.


There must be no mercy. People like her do not deserve any mercy. They must pay for their sins.


She should have known better.


No matter her guilt, no matter her remorse, no matter her attempts to right the wrongs, no matter what she feels, thinks, says or does, she is only getting what is coming to her.


This is not life as it should be. This is life as it is. Take it or leave it.


She opens her eyes, takes a ragged breath and stares at the ceiling. She is alone. And even though the windows are open throughout the apartment, the only sounds she hears are her heartbeat and the breath going in and out of her. She wonders briefly whether the world has finally come to an end, leaving her behind.


As she is about to call out in the vain hope of hearing another human voice reply, her phone rings - and with it, the neighbourhood noises come rushing back in. A door slams shut downstairs. A child cries out next door. The seagulls on the beachfront shriek in the wind. And the cool, salty tang of the sea blows into her bedroom.


She sits up slowly and pushes the covers back from her naked skin. Her body feels heavy. There is a sharp pain in the middle of her chest. Her hands are cold as she runs them across her face. She swings her legs and rests her feet on the cool floor. As she reaches for the phone with shaking hands, it stops ringing.


She gets up and walks stiffly to the tiny bathroom across the hallway. As she looks at herself in the small mirror above the sink, the truth staring her in the face fifty-six times over, tears well up in her eyes.


Her throat tightens. The pain in her chest intensifies and a knot forms in her stomach. Fifty-six very hard truths to swallow. She gulps down a deep breath, unclenches her hands which she has unconsciously tightened into fists and says the words out loud, “Fifty-six.” She says them again, “Fifty-six,” letting the number tumble out of her dry mouth. Again. And again. It does not get any easier but she says them again, “Fifty-six.” Until she has proclaimed the truth fifty-six times to her self in the mirror.


The tears finally stop and her blurred sight clears. Her breath steadies and her heartbeat slows down. The pain in her chest is now replaced by a cold, unnatural calm that spreads throughout her body.


She climbs in the shower and lets the hot water run over her body, bringing life back into it. She eventually turns the water off, climbs out of the shower and dries herself. She walks back to her bedroom, wrapped in an oversize robe and steps on the balcony. She pulls a cigarette out of her left pocket and a lighter out of the right one. She takes a long drag and looks down at the busy road below. As she exhales, the smoke floating on the breeze, a slight smile forms on her lips.


Take it or leave it.


© Devorah K, February 2013

Again...?!

Lately, I've been feeling as though I'm trying really hard to be someone that is not who I'm meant to be.

I really thought I'd finally figured it all out. I'm a lost soul who has to find her place within Judaism. Clearly not. Or maybe still yes, but not right now. When, only Hashem knows.

So, in the meantime, what do I do? I don't feel panicky, as though this were another identity crisis. I'm simply curious. Who am I? How do I become the woman I'm supposed to be? What path do I follow?

Or do I simply carry on as I have, day by day, and hope for the best?

What now?

It's 2012. I have a new job that pays me twice as much as what I earned in my last job. I have a few good friends. I have discovered new talents such as painting and cooking. I will probably find a great apartment by next week.

I no longer suffer from guilt and fear. I am actually at peace with Hashem. I'm not angry at him. I'm not worried about my purpose in life. I'm not afraid that I'm going to hell.

But something is missing. At least, I'm faced with a dilemma: I'm no longer sure whether I want to be a Jew. I know for sure that I want absolutely nothing to do with Xanity and its Jesus. I have no interest in any other faith. I've accepted pretty much everything about Judaism and I try to live my life according to its principles but I don't know whether I should carry on fighting to be part of it.

Do I need an institutionalised faith?

Honestly, these past few months have been good, calm, spiritually. I'm beginning to realise that there is truth in every single faith and belief system that I've come across. But, I'm also beginning to think that perhaps I don't need to limit myself to one of them to live a meaningful, fulfilling life. I believe in Hashem and I believe that He created everything and everyone. Maybe for a reason, maybe not. Frankly, it doesn't matter as it doesn't stop me from being real and doing good.

I know, this, my first post in months and my first of 2012, is rather jumbled, and I apologise to anyone who will come across it. I've simply needed to get these thoughts out of my system. I no longer keep a diary because I don't think that remembering every little thing that happens on a daily basis is that essential, so I haven't had the chance to structure my post before posting it here.

I think it, I write it. New motto for 2012, I think...

I don't know anything about anything...

... I literally have no clue about what I'm supposed to do, where I'm supposed to go...

I set aside my conversion as nothing was going on, here, and made new plans about travelling and now, all my old prayers are being answered, it seems.

I feel lost. Confused. Helpless.

How do I know what Hashem wants me to do? I've clearly been wrong so far. What do I do now?

Who the hell do I think I am?

'Baruch Dayan HaEmet. Blessed are You, Lord our G‑d, King of the universe, the True Judge.'

I messed up. I messed up really badly. I have felt awful about all the things that I've ever done to anyone. And I've made amends where I could. And I am willing to make further amends when the opportunities come up.

I know that Hashem has already forgiven me. He's let it go. He is not punishing me. He wants me to be happy.

So, if He's forgiven me, and people are forgiving me as I approach them full of remorse and better intentions, who the hell am I to not forgive myself? If Hashem has forgiven me completely and holds me blameless, who the hell do I think I am that I can still blame myself time and time again for my past?

I have one hell of a nerve, uh.

Sense & sensibility

No. I do not want to live my life, always thinking "just in case" or wondering "what if". Expecting and/or preparing for things not to work out becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and I reject that mindset.

“What about plan B?” you ask.

That is what I'm questioning and getting seriously annoyed about. Why do we constantly advocate a need for a plan B?

“Keeping the back door open?” you say.

Why? Where is the faith? Faith in oneself? Faith in a higher power? Faith in the universe, if you wish. I have faith in Hashem and in the power He has given me to achieve my goals and my dreams. Why do I need a back door? Why?

And, no. I didn't say that faith was all that was needed. Hard work and planning are very much a necessity. I'm just sick to death of being told that being sensible is something to aspire to. It's not. If you plan carefully and your dream doesn't go against any of Hashem's precepts, why then hold back? What do you have to fear? What's the point of half-doing things? Even doing them at 75% or 99%? If you're going to do or attempt to do something, be 100% present.

Just. Freaking. Do. It.

And if you can't, stop trying to stop others who want to. We need to encourage each other a lot more rather than holding each other back constantly "because we care". That’s just a mask to conceal our fear and negativity. Perhaps even, our envy.

And if I still fail? Well, I wallow a little. Get up, dust myself off and re-evaluate. I turn back to Him and ask for some guidance. I try and learn from what happened. But it’s not the end of the world. And I’m certainly not going to die.

Enough, already. I say, “Grow some.”

How much do I really want my dreams to come true?

"How Much Do You Want It?

Thy strength shall be according
to the measure of thy desire.
— Arab proverb

Ayoung man came to a guru and asked him what he would need to do to become enlightened. The master took the stu-dent to a lake and pushed his head under water for a long time. Finally, the man became desperate for air and forced his way to the surface, shouting, “Are you trying to kill me? ”

The guru calmly replied, “When you want God as much as you wanted air, you will find enlightenment. ”

While this world seems to be a place of haphazard results, each of us is getting exactly what we are asking for at any given moment. If we truly want freedom, we shall find it, and if we’re not ready, so shall we remain bound.

If you seem stuck in any situation that is less than fulfilling, ask your–self if you are receiving any perceived benefits from staying where you are. While no one would reasonably choose illness, the subconscious perceives many hidden benefits: it gets us out of work, we get sympathy, we do not have to face the issues in our life that trouble us, we may be receiving some kind of monetary reward for our disability, and on and on. While no one would consciously admit to choosing illness, on some level we do.

Many people complain about their dysfunctional relationships, yet staying in them often seems to outweigh the benefits of leaving. One thing is for sure: The moment leaving becomes more attractive, staying will not have its way. We are free to choose, and we always are.


Place within my breast the burning desire for You alone;
You are all I want, and You are all 1 shall have.

I am determined to have my dreams come true."

This meditation is an excerpt from Alan Cohen's meditation book, A Deep Breath of Life.

So, I read this and have to seriously think about my current, seemingly hopeless situation. I hate my circumstances with my entire being. Or so I thought. Clearly, there must be a part of me that somehow benefits from living under this roof with an emotionally abusive person?

I desperately want my life to be so different from what it is right now. And these past few days, I really thought that I had found some open doors but they seem to have been firmly shut in my face for now. That is not acceptable. I will carry on fighting no matter the perceived benefits of my present hell.