It's 2012. I have a new job that pays me twice as much as what I earned in my last job. I have a few good friends. I have discovered new talents such as painting and cooking. I will probably find a great apartment by next week.
I no longer suffer from guilt and fear. I am actually at peace with Hashem. I'm not angry at him. I'm not worried about my purpose in life. I'm not afraid that I'm going to hell.
But something is missing. At least, I'm faced with a dilemma: I'm no longer sure whether I want to be a Jew. I know for sure that I want absolutely nothing to do with Xanity and its Jesus. I have no interest in any other faith. I've accepted pretty much everything about Judaism and I try to live my life according to its principles but I don't know whether I should carry on fighting to be part of it.
Do I need an institutionalised faith?
Honestly, these past few months have been good, calm, spiritually. I'm beginning to realise that there is truth in every single faith and belief system that I've come across. But, I'm also beginning to think that perhaps I don't need to limit myself to one of them to live a meaningful, fulfilling life. I believe in Hashem and I believe that He created everything and everyone. Maybe for a reason, maybe not. Frankly, it doesn't matter as it doesn't stop me from being real and doing good.
I know, this, my first post in months and my first of 2012, is rather jumbled, and I apologise to anyone who will come across it. I've simply needed to get these thoughts out of my system. I no longer keep a diary because I don't think that remembering every little thing that happens on a daily basis is that essential, so I haven't had the chance to structure my post before posting it here.
I think it, I write it. New motto for 2012, I think...